Fast Food Fairy Tale, Part Seven

Disclaimer: As the title implies, fast food will be involved (health food nuts, you have been warned!). Many restaurant franchises are personified as characters in this story; some are good guys and some are bad. If you happened to be employed by any of these chains, please know that your character’s role is not a reflection upon the quality of your employer. In short, this is just a silly little story that I have been writing for the amusement of friends-try not to take it too seriously…and please don’t sue me…

~Chapter 13: Plan of Action~

“There’s a lot Jersey Mike boys down there,” whispered Wendy as she peeked above the bush she was hiding behind.

“Wendy, get down!” Baskin hissed from behind a nearby tree.

“They’re not going to see us from here,” Wendy retorted, ducking back down. The three travelers, along with Papa John, had skirted around the town, and had situated themselves at the edge of a wood where they had an unimpeded view of the Pan-Ex building. What Wendy said was true–there were quite a number of large, intimidating men milling in and around the building.

“There’s no way we can sneak in and get a message to the White Castle,” moaned Robin from behind her own tree.

“Fear not, my dear,” Papa John spoke from beside a large rock. “There’s always a way for those who are willing to seek.”

“What does that mean?” asked Wendy.

“It means,” Papa John replied with a small smile, “that there is more than one way to skin a cat.”

“Eww!” squealed Wendy in disgust.


Baskin, Robin, Wendy, and Papa John pulled back farther into the woods to discuss their options.

“Granted, a message through Pan Ex would have been the quickest way to warn the King,” said Papa John. “However, there is no way that Jersey Mike will be able to block off all methods of communication.”

“It would take us days to travel back on foot,” said Robin. “But if we had a…oh!” Suddenly, Robin laughed and clapped her hands.

“What?” Wendy, Baskin, and Papa John said simultaneously.

“A horse!” replied Robin delightedly. “We could use a horse!”

“That would be a wonderful solution,” said Papa John, “if we had a horse.”

Robin turned to Baskin.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Baskin returned the grin as understanding quickly dawned on her face.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking Arby’s!”


Little Caesar and Jersey Mike watched as the Red Lobster dropped anchor not far from the beach. A few minutes later, a row boat was lowered from the side of the pirate ship containing Long John Silver and one of his crew. While the crewman tugged at the oars, Silver stood at the edge of the small boat as they crossed the shallow bay.

“Arrr!” he shouted as he leapt off the boat and onto the beach.

“Yeah, you too, buddy,” replied a grinning Jersey Mike as he shook Silver’s hand.

“‘Arrr,’ indeed, my friend,” Little Caesar said, also smiling. “I have heard your name spoken with terror in Port Plees-Comagin. It won’t be long before all sea trade to and from Dryvthru comes to an abrupt halt.”

Silver laughed.

“Me and the crew have been havin’ a high, fine time, that’s the truth!”

“Your efforts are paying off. Every competitor of mine has folded like a house of straw.”

“Well,” interjected Jersey Mike. “Not everybody. That Papa John goat is still holdin’ on.”

“But I am confident that you and your boys will handle that situation promptly,” Little Caesar said, airily waving a hand.

“Yeah, no problem. And hey, we managed to cut off Pan-Ex communication.

The Burger King ain’t gonna know what hit ‘em!”

“Excellent! By the time word reaches the King, we’ll have a strong foothold in the southern regions.”

“I have ta say though,” spoke the pirate wistfully. “It’s been a mighty shame to sink all them food supplies. A good haul they woulda been.”

“True,” Little Caesar nodded, “but it was a necessary measure. A pirate who destroys at will without gain is viewed as unpredictable, and therefore all the more terrifying. Who knows what this mad man Long John Silver is capable of?!”

The three men erupted into laughter.

“And now,” continued the diminutive dictator, “that every sea captain is afraid to leave Port Plees-Comagin, someone will have to take over the trade routes. I suppose it wouldn’t be too difficult to…acquire a few of those idle ships in port and go into business for yourself.”

He patted Silver on the shoulder.

“A fine plan, Mate!” Silver laughed.

“So, I got a question,” Jersey Mike spoke up. “What about the Prince in Hardeeshire? He’s gonna be trouble when he figures what’s goin’ on in Daddy’s kingdom.”

“I doubt he’ll act, at least right away. His concern is burgers, not pizza. Still…” Little Caesar mused, “it might be wise to keep the Prince in the dark as long as possible. We’ll have to keep watch on the roads leading to Hardeeshire.”

He turned to Silver and Mike.

“Would the two of you be able to spare some men to patrol the roads?”

“Arrr!” accented Long John Silver.

“Yeah, what he said,” added Jersey Mike.

“Everything is falling into place now!” cried Little Caesar, dramatically spreading his arms. “Soon, I will march on the White Castle and proclaim to the Burger King himself: ‘Veni, vidi, vici’!” Long John Silver and Jersey Mike roared in approval.

“That’s right!” hollered Mike with a fist pump. “Vinnie Vinnie Vanucci!”


Night had fallen when Wendy, Baskin, Robin, and the surprisingly spry Papa John had completed their long journey back to the A&W Ranch. They were greeted warmly by Arby, Portillo and Sonic. After a dinner of roast beef topped with warm cheddar sauce and a side of curly fries, the travelers shared their adventures in Port Plees-Comagin, what they had learned about Little Caesar, Jersey Mike, and Long John Silver, and why they had returned to the ranch.

“I don’t mind ridin’ to the White Castle, if Arby can spare me,” said Portillo as the group sat around the large dinner table.

“I can spare ya,” replied Arby. “The question is, how dangerous is this trip gunna be?”

“I’ll go with!” Wendy volunteered enthusiastically.

“You will not,” Baskin and Robin replied in unison.

“The only danger I foresee,” said Papa John, “is running into Jersey Mike’s boys. I think it is safe to assume that Little Caesar will be keeping an eye on the roads leading north. He would be foolish not to.”

“Portillo’ll be safe with a good cover story, don’tcha think?” Arby said.

“Say that you are traveling to visit your family,” suggested Baskin. “That doesn’t seem too far-fetched.”

Portillo nodded.

“Me and Sonic can head out at first light. If all goes well, we can be at the castle by late tomorrow night.”


“…we can be at the castle by late tomorrow night.”

At that, the spy silently crept away from the ranch house and blended into the night. He had heard all he needed. At the request of Jersey Mike, the spy had silently tailed Papa John and his new friends from the Pizza Hut, to the forest surrounding Pan-Ex, and on to the A&W Ranch. Although he followed the group out of hearing range, he suspected that they might have figured out Little Caesar’s plan. The overheard conversation at the house confirmed it. They were going to send the boy to warn the King, and without protection. Jersey Mike would pay a pretty penny to learn such information.

He remained in the shadows as he skirted the main road which eventually led to Jersey Mike’s campsite. Numerous large men strutted around the perimeter keeping watch. Although his arrival was expected, the spy was tired and didn’t feel like dealing with the guards. With maneuvers bordering on the magical, he managed to slip past the guards, and ease his way into a large tent at the center of the camp.

Jersey Mike, with his back to the tent entrance, had just taken a large bite of a sandwich when the spy made his unheralded appearance. Hearing nothing, Mike casually turned around and nearly choked upon discovering the spy.

“Don’tchu knock?!” he sputtered angrily. In response, the spy sauntered over to a nearby wooden table and wrapped on it several times with his knuckles.

“Ohh, a real smart guy, huh?”

The spy laughed sardonically.

“You may end up thinking so when you hear what I have to tell.”

“Is that so, Mr…uh, what’s yer name again? Up and Down? Side to Side?”

“In-N-Out,” the spy replied dryly.

“Yeah, yeah, In-N-Out. I knew it was a weird name like that.”

“It’s not just a name, it’s my occupation.”

“Ahh, I see what ya did there,” said Jersey Mike, slightly impressed. “You with the spying thing. Get in, get out. In-N-Out. That’s pretty clever.”

“Thank you. I try to be clever when I can.”

Jersey Mike pulled out a chair and motioned for In-N-Out to sit down which he did gratefully.

“So,” began Mike as he found a chair for himself. “You were successful, am I right?”

“Oh yes, your hunch was correct. They do know the plan.”

“And what are they gonna do about it?”

“They’re sending a boy on horseback tomorrow morning to warn the King.”

“Heh, not if I can help it.” Jersey Mike stood. “The kid disappears, friends don’t know about it, and bada-boom, problem solved.”

“Ah, but you haven’t heard the best part yet,” said the spy with a grin.

“More good news?”

In-N-Out nodded.

“Those two women and the red-head? I know who they are…or rather, I know who would pay a small fortune to get them back.”

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