League of Unknown Presidents: A Drama, Part 5

John Tyler

(There is a knock at the door)

Hayes: Now who is it?

Harrison: Come in.

(The door opens to reveal 23rd President Benjamin Harrison)

Benjamin Harrison: (To William Henry Harrison) Is this a bad time?

W.H. Harrison: (Sighing) Ben, it’s always a bad time here.

Pierce: What is he doing here?

Tyler: (Looking at his notes) Actually, this is next up on our agenda.

Pierce: What is?

W.H. Harrison: (With a hint of pride) The initiation of my grandson into the group.

Pierce: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Since when are we accepting family members?

W.H. Harrison: Since Ben is the 23rd President. Besides, we never get to do anything together.

Pierce: Then take him fishing. He’s not joining.

Fillmore: What are you getting so worked up about?

Pierce: It’s nepotism, that’s what it is!

Hayes: I don’t see a problem with letting him in. He’s got a nice beard. Besides, we’re in the market for a new treasurer anyway.

Fillmore: I…hey, wait a minute…

Hayes: (To B. Harrison) Tell me, Mr. President, would you trust President Harding with any sum of money?

B. Harrison: What? That’s crazy!

Hayes: You’re hired!

Fillmore: (Standing) Now just a minute!

W.H. Harrison: (Shouting over Fillmore to Pierce) If this were a government position, I’d agree with you! But this is just a club! I have no special treatment to give him!

Pierce: Well then, maybe I should just invite my grandkids to join too. Oh wait, I don’t have grandkids…

W.H. Harrison: And how is that my fault?

B. Harrison: I think I’ll go check out the Cool Facial Hair Society. (Leaves the room)

Fillmore: (Pointing at Hayes) Look, I’m the League treasurer…

Hayes: (Sarcastically) And you’re doing a splendid job! By the way, how much money don’t we have right now?

Fillmore: It wasn’t my fault!

Hayes: I swear, you’re worse than Congress!

Fillmore: Take that back!

W.H. Harrison: (To Tyler) I have a feeling that this meeting is about to come to an end.

Tyler: Just about…

(Fillmore picks up his chair in preparation to throw it)

Tyler: …Aaaaand now we’re done.

W.H. Harrison: (Slamming down his gavel) Meeting adjourned!

Tyler: Duck!

(Harrison and Tyler drop down as Fillmore’s chair goes flying)

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