Fast Food Fairy Tale, Chapter 07: An Assembly of Villains


No one was quite sure what his real name was, it had been so long since it was last used. To his friends and enemies alike, he was more commonly known by his nickname, Little Caesar. Anyone who saw him had no trouble in determining how he earned this nomenclature. Short of stature and having a penchant for wearing togas and laurels, he bore an uncanny, though diminutive, resemblance to the Roman emperor. And like Caesar himself, Little Caesar was fired by an unquenchable ambition for greatness. Having worked through the ranks of the pizza industry, he had established his own moderately successful restaurant some years ago. For many restaurateurs, this would have been satisfactory. However, Little Caesar didn’t want to be just another pizza guy in Dryvthru; he wanted to be the only pizza guy. To achieve this, he needed to eliminate his competition. However, this was something he could not do alone. Hence, the midnight meeting that was now taking place inside his restaurant. Among his conspirators was the villainous sea food pirate Long John Silver and big city mobster and sandwich maker Jersey Mike. Both men were looking to expand their influence over their own respective food markets and were immediately agreeable to a meeting with Little Caesar.

“Pizza! Pizza!” bellowed Little Caesar as he paced in front of a table where Silver and Mike sat. “When people crave pizza, I want them to turn to me, and to no one else!” His cohorts growled in ascent. “There will be no one else once we have finished our work!”

“Arr, that be true enough, mate,” spoke Long John Silver. “Them lubbers’ll never know what’s hit them!”

“Yeah,” agreed Jersey Mike. “It’ll be like bada-boom, fuggetaboutit.”

“So what be the plan?” asked Silver. Little Caesar stopped pacing and took a seat at the table.

“It’s quite simple. Many of my competitors rely on various ingredients that are imported across the sea from other lands. You and your crew, Long John, will see to it that as many of the trading ships bringing these ingredients come to port empty. As for you, Jersey Mike, I want you and your boys to pay frequent visits to the restaurants and…persuade customers to go elsewhere for pizza.”

“Preferably to Little Caesars, am I right?” Jersey Mike grinned maliciously.

“Naturally,” Little Caesar replied with a small smile of his own. “And with the ingredients shortage and the loss of customers, each restaurant will be bound to go bankrupt. But before they go completely belly-up, I will step in at the last minute and generously offer money to bail them out, with the provision that I become majority owner of the restaurant. And so one by one, each competitor will gradually morph into a Little Caesar’s branch restaurant.

“Yar!” said Silver, pounding the table. “A hostile corporate takeover. Brilliant!”

“And if this plan proves successful, soon the seafood and sandwich industries will also fall under new management.” Little Caesar gestured to his partners, and three villains laughed.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” boomed Jersey Mike.

“Gentlemen,” Little Caesar stood once again, his arms outstretched dramatically. “The die is cast.”

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