Disclaimer: ‘Tis the season for another writing project! Recently, while at a rehearsal for my theater group’s production of Miracle on 34th Street, I was speaking to a fellow cast member about how it would be fun to do a play in which all of the major Christmas movies were combined into one story. Unfortunately, I won’t  be able to squeeze all of them in, so I picked a couple of the more “classic” tales to mash up. I have tried to include as many original movie quotes as I can; so for the most part, the dialog won’t be entirely mine.

 

Act I, Scene 2

(Bob Wallace is directing the Peanuts’ Christmas pageant and things are not going well. He is sitting in a director’s chair, holding a clipboard, and a megaphone. “Linus and Lucy” song is playing as he watches the “stage.”)

Bob Wallace: (Speaking through the megaphone, irritated) Stop! Stop! Stop! Schroeder, stop the music! (Music stops) All right gang, we talked about this. If we are going to include this dance number into the Christmas pageant, you all have to dance the same way! You can’t just randomly do your own dances! And Shermy…what are doing? You look like Frankenstein out there. And remember everyone, smile! Okay Schroeder, let’s take it from the top. (Music begins again.)

(Phil Davis comes up to stand next to Wallace.)

Phil Davis: How are the kids doing, Bob?

Wallace: (Sighs) It’s like herding cats. Come to think of it, that might not be a bad career change.

Davis: Hey, speaking of domesticated animals, what do you think of that Snoopy?

Wallace: I have to say, I was a little hesitant about including a dog into the act, but my goodness, can he dance!

Davis: He also plays the guitar.

Wallace: Really?

Davis: Mm-hmm.

Wallace: Where did you find him?

Davis: I know his agent. You’ve met him before, Bob. Short guy, yellow…

Wallace: Peeps a lot?

Davis: That’s him.

Wallace: (Turning his attention back to the stage, speaking into the megaphone) All right, everyone, stop! (Music stops) Take five, then we’ll work on the nativity story.

Davis: (Hesitantly) So, Bob…I was thinking that…

Wallace: (Cutting Davis off) No, Phil!

Davis: Oh, come on! I was just talking to Lucy and Sally and they know someone who is…

Wallace: (Interrupting) First of all, don’t you find it strange consulting two little girls about finding me a date?

Davis: What? They’re locals. They know the lay of the land.

Wallace: And second of all, I don’t need anyone’s help in finding a date…especially yours.

Davis: Aw, now Bob…

Wallace: It’s always the same with you. There’s always someone I just have to meet. There’ve been short women, tall women, thin ones, thick ones, young ones, old ones, blondes, brunettes. And let’s not forget Rita and Rhoda.

Davis: Look, I just want you to be happy.

Wallace: Who says I’m not happy now? I’m doing what I love and getting paid well for it.

Davis: But there’s more to life than that. You need to find that special someone.

Wallace: I’ll get around to it.

Davis: My dear partner, when what’s left of you gets around to what’s left to be gotten, what’s left to be gotten won’t be worth getting, whatever it is you’ve got left.

Wallace: When I figure out what that means, I’ll come up with a crushing reply.

Davis: (Sighing) Let’s face it, Bob. You’re a lonely, miserable man.

Wallace: What?!

Davis: I want you to get married. I want you to have nine children. And if you only spend five minutes a day with each kid, that’s forty-five minutes, and I’d at least have time to go out and get a massage or something.

Wallace: Ha! You don’t expect me to get serious with the kind of characters you’ve been throwing at me, do you? What about that nuclear scientist you introduced me to last week?

Davis: I’m trying to do my best. You’re going to have to meet me halfway on this thing.

Wallace: Phil, I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to shape this show up into something presentable. (Davis leaves as Wallace starts speaking through his megaphone) All right everybody, let’s get started. Pigpen, isn’t there something we can do about your dust cloud? It’s completely obscuring stage left. Can someone find me a hose or a bucket of water…?